The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?". "I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!". "Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".
"At the circus", says the landlord.
"The circus?", the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the landlord.
"The circus?. That place with the big tent?. With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
"That's right!", says the landlord.
The duck looks confused, "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?"
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A Weegie burd walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.
"Ah'll be back tha morra efternin tae pick up ma dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"Naw" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
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Seamus and Paddy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, & they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.
Paddy said "Hang on, Oi have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Seamus said: "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all."
Paddy replied: "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Seamus said: "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Paddy replied, with "Don't worry, Oi have a plan. Slainte!"
They downed their drinks.
Paddy said "OK, Oi'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Seamus said: "Paddy - Oi don't t'ink Oi can do any more o'dis. Oi'm totally drunk and me knees are killin' me!"
Paddy said: "How do you t'ink Oi feel? Oi lost the sausage - in the t'ird pub."
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A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing benefit. I would really rather find a job.
The person behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Lexus, and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holiday trips. The salary package starts at £100,000.00 a year with room for bonuses.
The scouser said "You're havin' me on!"
The clerk behind the counter said, "Yeah, well, you started it."
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A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.
It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST, FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a sombre stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, “What may we do for you, my son?”
He answers, “I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.”
“Very well, my son. Please follow me.” He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, “Please knock on this door.” He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup.
This nun instructs, “Please place £50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.” He gets £50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun’s cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
