'The stewardesses have subdued me into submission'

Jon Ronson Saturday November 18, 2006 The Guardian

I'm on a Ryanair flight between La Rochelle, France, and London. I drink some water. The stewardess knocks my elbow as she passes. The water spills down my chin and on to my shirt. "Sorry," I say. She glances indifferently through me.

"I just apologised to her," I think, startled. "I'm only flying Ryanair because they've got the monopoly on this route and, as in a totalitarian regime, the stewardesses have subdued me into submission with their cold, admonishing stares and mean little comments."

..................

This is the week that Ryanair has been voted The World's Least-Liked Airline. The stewardess hurtles down the aisle again, pushing the drinks trolley. She tears past me.

"Aaargh!" I yell, suddenly. "My foot!"
"Oh no!" says the stewardess, screeching to a halt.
"You've trapped my foot between your trolley and the side of my seat," I yell.
She jerks the trolley backwards. My foot looks disturbingly twisted.
"I'm really sorry," she says.

"Are you OK?" Elaine asks, rubbing my arm.
"I feigned it!" I whisper. There's a triumphant glint in my eye.
"What?" Elaine says.
"I wasn't hurt at all!" I say. "I faked it! I just thought, 'Enough is enough.' I wanted to reach inside the stewardess and grab her humanity and pull it out and say, 'Remember this?' So I decided to really give her a jolt and feign an injury."
There's a silence.
"What?" Elaine says.
"OK, I realise it was a pretty extreme thing to do," I say, "but look at the effect it had. It was as if her outer shell of meanness crumbled away to reveal her long-forgotten compassionate side."

I go to the toilet. On the way I spot the stewardess. She's in the corner. She's having a moment to herself and doesn't realise anybody is watching. She's leaning against the wall, white as a sheet, drained of energy, barely able to stand. It is 9pm. I realise she must have been flying back and forward to La Rochelle all day. She and her fellow stewards have 25 minutes at each end to empty the plane, clean it and then fill it again. Ryanair's CEO, Michael O'Leary, has amassed a personal wealth of €466 million from this business practice. It takes a force of will for the stewardess to reach over to the Tannoy, she looks so exhausted. But she does, and announces: "We sell a range of perfumes, aftershaves, children's toys..."

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