Greenpeace Renounces Nonviolence

Greenpeace, the activist group known for its risky, but non-combative, worldwide efforts to protect the environment, declared today it has officially renounced non-violent tactics. The act is seen as a reaction to an increasingly hostile activist environment that has frequently pitted Greenpeace in one-sided violent confrontation against both anti-environmentalist corporate interests and the often corrupt governments that support them.

"We've been broadsided, beaten, Maced, bombed, sunk, sued and spat on for years, and that's just by the politicians," Redwing Beetleboi, a senior Greenpeace spokesman, said. "And so far, we've always turned the other cheek, as the saying goes. Well, fuck that. From now on, the gloves are off."
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